I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
