I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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