No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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