It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
