You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
