i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
