I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
