i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
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she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize