I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
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He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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