Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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