Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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