Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
