Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
