i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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