Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
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