It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
