just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
