so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
