What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
