I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
