I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
