I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
