He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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