"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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