dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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