Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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