Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My vagina is officially offended.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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