He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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