Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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