that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
It was confusing and full of hummus
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
