yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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