i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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