Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
