You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
