I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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