At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
