$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
