I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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