He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
did i walk over a car last night?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
