The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
