And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
