Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
