I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
