if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He felt like a one man threesome
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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