two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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