Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
