Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Randomize
