I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He better not be in your backpack
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
