Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
