Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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