Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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