I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
