Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
