Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Did you just see the Batmobile???
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
