I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
