my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
