I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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