You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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