I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
