I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
